


kintsukori

by whiplash



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M, No Romance, POV Outsider, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 17:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13171818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiplash/pseuds/whiplash
Summary: “In the past, my life was just so messed up, you know, I couldn’t get my head straight, so I did things…”Aaron’s trembling and pale, except for the flushed skin over his cheekbones and he’s clearly struggling to find the right words to tell his story.“What kind of things?”Alex hears himself ask and he’s not surprised to find that his voice has switched to calm and non-judgemental, the way it does when he’s working in the A&E.Aaron/Alex, but not Aaron/Alex-shippy.





	kintsukori

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: It’s become clear that this story isn’t everyone’s cup of tea... and that’s alright. Here’s a thought, though: there’s loads of fanwork out there by some really talented people and you’re sure to find something that you love. If you then send kudos to the creator of that work instead of telling someone else how much you hate what they’ve created, then you can be part of making fandom a better place instead of driving people away from it.

“In the past, my life was just so messed up, you know, I couldn’t get my head straight, so I did things…”

Aaron’s trembling and pale, except for the flushed skin over his cheekbones and he’s clearly struggling to find the right words to tell his story. 

“What kind of things?” Alex hears himself ask and he’s not surprised to find that his voice has switched to calm and non-judgemental, the way it does when he’s working in the A&E. As he waits for Aaron to work up the courage to answer, it’s hard to not let his imagination fill in the blank. He knows from experience, his own in part but mostly through his work, the struggles of the LBGT youth. Statistics race through his mind; little unwelcome facts about mental health issues in young Brits struggling with their sexuality, about how one in five had attempted suicide and three in five had self-harmed. Not to mention the bullying, the hate crimes and the domestic abuse. 

In front of him, Aaron swallows thickly and Alex’s fingers itch to reach for the none-existing puke bag. He pushes his hands into his pockets instead, slouching his shoulders as to appear less intimidating. 

“I… cut myself,” Aaron finally manages to say, his own shoulders squared and his eyes daring Alex to run a mile at the admission. And there’s this rather fitting quote, something by Nelson Mandela maybe, about courage not being the absence of fear but rather the triumph over it, but Alex puts that thought away for later because Aaron’s looking pale and shaky and Alex might not actually be at work, but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't put his experience to good use. 

“Things were messed up and you handled it by self-harming,” he summarizes gently, taking half a step forward. “It’s not so uncommon, you know.” 

At his words, Aaron grimaces and looks away. 

“Not among teenage girls maybe,” he mutters, but the anger doesn’t seem directed at Alex and he follows without protest as Alex ushers him towards the sofa. He refuses both the blanket that Alex finds for him and the tea that Alex offers to make, so in the end Alex settles for just sitting down next to him and listening. It was the hardest part, anyway, to properly listen to another person’s story without interrupting or judging. Without letting it get to you, or bringing it back home with you at the end of your shift. 

“-I was so confused,” Aaron says, and he’s crying, just a bit, wiping angrily at his face with his sleeve pulled over his hand, “and angry, and I hated the world, and…” 

He exhales shakily and Alex wishes that he would have accepted the blanket. Or the tea. The warmth would have done him good. 

“You know what,” Aaron continues, his voice switching from agitated to exhausted in a heartbeat. “The reasons don’t even matter anymore, it’s over now. And, uh, it’s… I went too far with it…” 

“You don’t have to explain,” Alex assures him, in part because it’s what you’re supposed to say and in part because he’s not sure that he really wants to know. Not right now at least, and not like this. Not with everything still new between them, at a time in their relationship where things ought to be about flirting and sexting and stolen kisses. Next to him, Aaron folds forward, each breath hitching even as he’s obviously struggling to get himself under control. 

“I get it,” Alex says, making his voice firm as he tries to get Aaron’s attention back to him. “I’m glad you told me.” 

It must work because Aaron sits back up again and meets his eyes. They're wet still, and his lips twist unhappily. 

“So,” he says, in a voice that’s less than steady, “it doesn’t make you think I’m crazy?” 

Alex had done the mandatory time in psychiatry, same as all the other doctors. He’d met countless of people who had been struggling with their mental health for a long time, and who occasionally lost that struggle. The one thing that he’d taken away him at the end of his internship was that there was no such a thing as _crazy_. The people that he’d met, they’d been no different from the people he'd met at the pub or in the store, no better or worse than the mates he did his best to keep in touch with or the family that he did his very best to avoid. 

“It makes me think that you’re more human,” he settles for in the end. “And if you thought that I was going to run a mile, you’re wrong.” 

No one should look as relieved as Aaron does at that simple statement. And there’s no way that the little smile which Aaron offers – barely more than a quiver in the corner of his mouth – should make Alex’ heart beat quite so fast. It’s ridiculous really, this mad thing that he’s nursing for Liv’s big brother, but Alex is doing his damned best to, for once, not overthink things. 

“So, is there anything else you want to get off your chest?” he asks. 

“It’s up to you,” Aaron replies, and he still looks shattered, all red around the eyes and like he hasn’t slept all night. Which Alex realizes that he probably hasn’t, not between watching his ex-partner flatline the night before and worrying himself sick for God knew how long over scaring Alex away with a few scars. 

“We could crack open some beers,” Alex suggests, offering the poor bloke a way out. “Put on a film-“ 

He doesn’t get to finish the sentence before there’s a pair of lips pressing lightly against his. They’re dry and cracked, and there’s something oddly chaste about the kiss that he’ll find himself wondering about later. But right then, in that moment, it feels sweet and tender and real. 

“-or that,” he says, and he’d lean in for another kiss only Aaron still doesn’t look quite right. Biting on the inside of his mouth, he continues; “You know, we don’t _have_ to do anything.” 

“Maybe I want to,” Aaron counters and then, then they’re kissing again. 

xxx 

They undress upstairs, in a bed with silky sheets and a modern décor that doesn’t seem to really fit Aaron's style. Underneath his bulky layers, Aaron’s body turns out to be just as firm as Alex has imagined for all these months. Muscles move and shift under his skin, his upper arms bulging in a way with does things to Alex’ insides and there's only the slightest hint of softness over his belly. Alex isn't one to waste time feeling self conscious, but he hasn't hit the gym for weeks and he's always been on the lean side. Not that Aaron seems to mind, his hands calloused but gentle as they draw patterns over Alex's smooth skin. 

Aaron's skin's less smooth, of course. Alex brushes his fingers against the scars as he explores the rest of Aaron’s body, but for Aaron’s sake he tries to not make a big deal out of them. It’s clear enough though that there’s more of them than Alex would have guessed, and many of them are far more recent than Aaron’s stammered story had suggested. A few had cut deep too, obviously requiring stitches, and that depressing statistic – the one about suicide attempts – makes a brief but unwelcome return to Alex’s mind. But he grimly pushes all that aside. There’s nothing to be done for any of it, not right now, and besides he owes it to both himself and Aaron to stay present in the moment rather than lose himself in a past which didn't belong to him.

“You must run a lot,” he says, distracting himself as he eases Aaron’s boxers down thick thighs and strong calves. Above him, Aaron grunts something which Alex decides to take as a confirmation. 

He’s quiet in bed, Aaron, and a little bit too passive for Alex’s taste, but it doesn’t really matter all that much. It’s their first time together, after all, and first times were always awkward, weren't they? Hell, you weren't even guaranteed fireworks after the first dozen times. Besides, this... a warm body tangling with his, bare skin under his mouth and muscles quivering as he used his tongue and fingers, it all made for a welcome change from Alex's usual lonely nights and rushed handjobs. So, Alex focuses on the here and now, and he makes the best of it. Because this is what he’s wanted, right? What he’s been working for, ever since that first ridiculous not-date that Liv had arranged for them? 

And it’s not until later, when he’s in the middle of yet another double shift and he’s running low on both energy and patience, and he’s hiding in the restroom with his forehead against the cold tiles as he waits for the coffee to kick in that the doubts hit him like a tsunami crashing in over the shore.


End file.
